Want to see him weak
Dear Team,
thanks for the great work that you do! Guess you guys help so many People, thats awesome :) Maybe even me, like everyone else i have a problem...and even if this is the third time i send it to you i wont get tired of writing it down.
Sorry for communicating in english, but currently i need it, ist like a flight into a stronger me and that makes it easier for me to talk honestly about my problem. I hope thats okay...
Soo...my issue...me, my head. What im thinking about. Im 28 now and since im 14 years old im hurting myself in every possible way, but someday it began to change. I just didnt hurt me for myself, but for the strong persons in my surrounding, especially one teacher. I hurt myself because i needed it, but started to recognize that it was even a good way to upset her. I wanted to make her feel helpless, shocked, sad and powerless because of me, my condition and that im not that strong girl that is always funny and laughing and taking care for everybody.
I hurt myself in a way that she had to recognize it and wanted her to feel the need to help me. One time i even stood in front of her and it dripped from my arm onto the floor, ive been so sick at that time.
Its better since im out of school, but now im a student and it starts all over again, theres such a strong person around me again.
Hes among the staff, hes tall, hes strong, hes tightened, hes older than me, he just looks like he never had to see depression, sadness or helplessness in his life. And i want him to see all of this, just like my teacher had to see it. He also knows me as the funny girl, always smiling. But i see him and feel the need to push him into an abyss out of shock, sadness, help- and powerlessness. I want him to see my scars and start thinking what happened. I want him to talk to me...
It all started at one day, when i´ve been depressed and he asked if its all okay. Since then these thoughts developed, although i like him very much...on the one hand i would never want him to feel like that, but on the other im so selfish :(
Im even sad that im no longer addicted to drugs...first because they make it possible to forget, but second because it would be interesting to see him aghast, tongue-tied, to see even him weak and vulnerable...
But i see that these thoughts of mine are so very non-normal? What can i do to stop this? Am i just seeking for Attention :( ?
Telling this wasnt easy for me...i hope you may have the time to send me a little answer.
Best wishes for you, rieke
Anwort von Monika
Dear Rieke,
thanks for ur patience with us and that you managed to write it all down.
I try to answer you in English too. I very well undertsand that sometimes it helps to talk in another language - I also do that. Maybe coz it`s not ur mother tongue and you get a little distance to your thoughts?
What you write sounds pretty scary to be honest. The good thing bout it is that you seem to be so aware of what is happening in ur mind. You even say maybe I only want attention. Maybe you are looking for something that you think you can only get by scaring people... maybe you could also get it if you are just yourself? The caring, the attention, the love??
I think you have suffered and endured a lot in your young life. Maybe you also think it is unfair that only you had to go through so much pain? Maybe you think others should feel your pain also? Maybe you have less pain when someone else takes some of it?
I can make so many suggestions why and what... but in the end I think you know what you should/can do. You should go and get help from someone professional. Go and get urself an appointment with a psychologist. Only there you are able to really figure out why you have those thoughts and needs and find a way to stop it.
Like I said the very good point and a good start is the fact that you already think about ur thoughts. That you realize you should prevent yourself from doing it. It sounds like you already managed to stay away from drugs, which tells me you are strong - use ur strength for better things in ur life like your study, use it to develop good relationships where noone gets hurt.
So go and get the help that you need! Am sure ur doctor has a list of therapists in urcity or u look them up in the internet.
Rieke, I wish you all the best and take good care of yourself!
Monika